An Affair To Remember…
or Forgive? Or Forget?

By Cheryl Duke
 

Why are we unfaithful to those we love? What motivates us? How do we recover? Statistics show that the likelihood of one spouse having an affair in the course of a marriage can be as high as 75 percent.

Up to 50 percent of women are estimated to take part in an extra-marital affair, where men have a slightly higher 60 percent estimate. According to current statistics, sex is the most popular topic searched on the internet. With that, 10 percent of adults admit to having an internet sexual addiction. Two out of three women and three out of four men admit to having sexual thoughts about a co-worker. Therefore, 17 percent of divorces in the U.S. are due to infidelity. The following are two diverse scenarios illustrating the differences between women and men concerning infidelity.

Robin has had a difficult marriage... At one time, she was the center of her husband’s world. He surprised her with roses, took her on trips, and made her feel like a queen. Now, two years after her husband was diagnosed with heart failure and lost his job, Robin’s life has changed drastically. Medical bills have started piling up and Robin is tired of being just another nurse for her husband. She still loves him, but their relationship is not what it used to be. For the last two weeks she has found herself at the same bar each night talking with the same man. Flirting and carrying on conversation with him makes her feel better about herself.

David is a father of two teenage children, a husband, and a respected member of the community. After spending 16 years married to the same woman, raising two kids, working the same job, and living in the same house, David has found himself in a life-changing situation: a female acquaintance from church has caught his eye for the first time since he’s been in love with his wife. They have been innocently flirting for a couple of months and now they find themselves alone at the motel on the edge of town. The general assessment concerning infidelity between the genders is that women tend to have affairs to meet an emotional need, get attention or make a connection. Simply, women are lured to the feelings of closeness and importance that they seem to be lacking from their spouses. Men, on the other hand, generally stray from their partners to please a physical attraction or lust, lacking emotional involvement as David illustrated.

Could it be that simple? Is infidelity just sexual in nature? Researchers have tried to acquire predictors of infidelity among couples, and they generally conclude that overall marital satisfaction between husband and wife is the main contributor to extra-marital affairs. However, within the overall marital satisfaction comes the level of sexual satisfaction, emotional satisfaction, the level of love and affection, and topics of conflict such as jealousy and sexual withholding can all play a role in why men and women are unfaithful. It seems as if it is all linked to sex, but in reality, motives are derived from emotions, desires and fears. Sex fulfills different needs for each gender. For women, sex generally meets some of their emotional needs. Women enjoy the rush of connecting with another person on a deep personal level, possessing their complete attention, and feeling sincere love and passion. Additional goals for women taking part in extra-marital affairs may be to build self-esteem, decrease loneliness and increase their sense of being needed once their children become more independent. And possibly, fear can be an explanation, becoming fearful of aging, fearful of losing the connection with a spouse (therefore fulfilling it with another), or fearful of ongoing monotony in their lives.

Sex for men, however, is essentially physical, though they also enjoying the experience of being needed and fulfilling their role as a male. Along with the sexual factors, there are a variety of other motivators for men. Often, men confuse their need for an emotional connection with sexual interactions. Loneliness may be targeted due to children becoming center stage in their spouse’s life. They may wish to recapture a youthful experience or are unable to express their marital dissatisfaction; therefore, they choose to escape to a stranger rather than communicate with their spouses. What does one consider an unfaithful act in a relationship?

Because there is such a difference in needs and motivations between men and women regarding infidelity in a relationship, it is not surprising that there are different forms and levels of infidelity. Prevention is always a popular theme of infidelity. Spouses want to know what can be done or what could have been done to prevent a partner from becoming unfaithful. To briefly touch on that subject, there are no set guidelines for keeping men or women from straying from the relationship. The most important piece of advice given is to know how to communicate effectively on the matter. Often, when a couple enters into a serious relationship, there are unclear assumptions of what fidelity is and unclear assumptions of what is considered unfaithful. One of the most important preventions of infidelity is having clear definitions and expectations for both individuals and being willing and able to talk about them. When entering into a serious relationship, don’t be afraid to have that conversation.

What is expected from one another? What are the clear boundaries in your relationship? What is the definition of infidelity? The lack of communication on this subject has caused a great deal of confusion and pain for many couples. Having a brief explanation of why men and women are motivated to have extra-marital affairs, and what is considered an unfaithful act in a relationship, now consider how people cope with such a tragedy when it occurs? How are some marriages sustained after what seems to be an unforgivable event? After discovering infidelity in a relationship, women generally feel inadequate as wives and partners and therefore blame themselves for their spouses’ unfaithfulness, and they can become depressed. Men often become concerned about their own ability to sexually gratify their spouses when learning of infidelity. They tend to place blame on others and outwardly express anger. There is no right or wrong way to deal with infidelity. Each relationship and situation is different. There is literature available that provides steps that claim to heal your relationship and wounded heart, making the process sound so clear-cut and simple. In reality, there are relationships that can be salvaged but it requires an enormous amount of effort and time.

With plenty of support, these couples put their whole hearts into regaining their connection and trust, while increasing their bond as a solid unit. On the other end of the relationship spectrum, there are situations where partners find themselves emotionally and physically safer distancing themselves from one another. This distance may allow time to heal, forgive and reconcile, or time to heal, forgive and permission to move on. No matter the direction chosen, this personal circumstance of mistrust, hurt and heartache is a strenuous one. As a couple and family therapist, I see this situation all too often, but respect and assist the choices made. Regardless of whether or not couples decide to continue in the relationship or separate, there are a few important aspects of recovery. First, know why the affair occurred. Life is full of patterns, and if someone was unfaithful in one relationship, chances are they will run into a similar situation in another relationship and continue the cycle if it’s not dealt with properly. Second, forgiveness is key. Both partners affected by infidelity must be able to forgive themselves at some point to continue in the current or future relationship(s).

And lastly, don’t be afraid. Most often, those who have been emotionally hurt tend to shield themselves from any possible harm. They do this by keeping a safe distance from any emotional connection. While this may help them function, feel strong and in control, in reality, they are denying themselves the chance to find that deep relationship again, either with the same partner or a new prospect. Infidelity is at a high rate in our society. Chances are you know of someone or have had some involvement yourself with an aspect of infidelity. Yet, through the hurt, blame and confusion, recovery is achievable. Find positive support. Seek out family, friends, support groups and counselors to aid in your recovery as an individual or relationship.